标 题: 全本 transcript Joe Wong at RTDC dinner (转载)
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Wed Mar 24 03:43:16 2010, 美东)
【 以下文字转载自 USANews 讨论区 】
发信人: jn74612001 (TCO), 信区: USANews
标 题: 全本 transcript Joe Wong at RTDC dinner
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Wed Mar 24 01:14:27 2010, 美东)
根据youtube录像听写。各位仁兄看明白了英语领会了笑话之后再来评论吧。[]里是欧
加的注。
Joe Wong口语要比99%的北美wsn强。
Joe Wong对美国文化政治的了解要比99%的北美wsn深。
Joe Wong有喜剧天赋，甩包袱的时机一流。
台风有待磨练。
Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as
Who?, which is actually my mother's maiden name and the answer to my credit
card security question.
But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here
tonight.[refer to the Salahis crashing a white house party]
I grew up in China. Who didn't? [I grew in America, who didn't? poking fun
at ignorant rednecks] And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my
childhood.When I was in elementary school,as part of the curriculum, I had
to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they use explosives to
break rocks. And that was when I learned light travels fast than sound,
which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but
occasionally he would cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right.
When I was seven one day he said to me, "Hey, son,why is tofu better than
centralized socialist economy?" So five minutes later I said "why?" He said
because I said so!
I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice
University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.
And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were
impossible to peel off. One of them said "If you don't speak English, go
home". And I didn't know this for two years.
And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the
president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know,
Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because
many times I have to say to him in public, "hey, listen, if you don't speak
English, go home." And he would say to me, "hey dad, why do I have to learn
two languages?" I said， "son, once you become the president of the United
State,you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk
to debt collectors in Chinese."
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States because
in China, I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order
for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons,
where they ask us questions like "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I was like "Ah
, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" [Franklin is on $100 bill]
"What is the second amendment?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience
store gets robbed?" [The second amendment grants right to own firearms] "
What is Roe versus Wade?" I was like "Ah, two ways of coming to the United
States?" [Roe v. Wade legalize abortion in US, which everyone in the
audience knows. Illegal immigrants come to US either by rowing a boat or
wading thru a river.] Later on, I read so much about American history that I
started to harbor white guilt.[Obviously he is not white and should not
feel guilty.]
And in America they say that all men are created equal.But after birth it
kind of depends on parents income for early education and health care. I
read in the Men's Health magazine that President Obama,every week, has two
cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see I don't have to excise,
because I have health insurance. [poking fun at US health care system] I
live in Massachusetts now, where we have universal health care. Then we
elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie
about him. It's called Kill Bill.[Scott Brown vowed to kill health care bill
.Apparently, there was not many Quentin fans in the audience. It was a great
joke.]
I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I actually read
your autobiography.And today I see you. I think the book is much better.They
should have [not very clear] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.
So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for
months for tonight show and I [not very clear] the white house and [not very
clear] by President Obama, that was when he decided not to come. And he
started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Steven Colbert. [a
liberal comedian always faking a conservative]
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was
conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize. And he
accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well actually, I am
thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the
nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.
We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers
because I used to write for campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last
refuge for punks. Only on the newspaper can you say things like "I was born
in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer." [poking fun at media
for relating things that have no causality] My point exactly.
And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously
always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagogury of PBS
and QVC [Public Broadcasting Service famous for subjectivity but hated by
conservatives, QVC television shopping channel] If I still couldn't fall
asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3. [C-span
channels broadcast boring congressional debates, etc.] Thank you very much.
So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about.Thank you
very much. America is number one. That is true because we won the World
Series every year. [WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins.
Great joke]
After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden.
Thank you very much. You had me at "Yes we can". That was their campaign
slogan. So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I
started to think maybe I should run for president myself. Well I have take a
step back and explain a bit. You know,cause I had always been a merryless[?
] and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow
in a dark winter night. You've probably made a difference but it is really
hard to tell. [best joke of the night]. But now we have a president who is
half black and half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I am half
not black, half not white. Two negatives make a positive. You maybe say
even "hey, what will be your campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in
the past decades. Oh, you too? OK. So I understand that American people are
suffering. So my campaign slogan will be "Who cares!" [best political joke
of the night,reveal the truth behind political campaigns and also an
indictment of Bush]
If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required. That
will get me the union vote. You see I am married now. I used to be really
scared about marriage. I was like "wow, 50 percent of all marriages end up
lasting forever."
And I will eliminated unemployment in this country by reducing the
productivity of American work force. So two people will have to do the work
of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins.
And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes.
So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that
one, but it won't be covered by health insurance though, because of pre-
existing conditions.
And I have quick solution to global warming. If elected, I will switch form
Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees before. Now it's forty. You are
very welcome.
And I am great with foreign policy. Because I am from China. I can see
Russia from my backyard. [poking fun at the ignorance of Sarah Palin] I
believe that unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow.
So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to
say hi, and text our enemies whenever they are driving.O M G, you are
making a nuclear weapon? But you are doing it wrong, L O L.
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